Yes, I Do Mind!

It was gym class day. Roo was crawling around the obstacles while Pip is hanging out on his blanket across from us. A new Dad showed up to class with a sweet new crawler. Casual conversation progressed as we asked how old each others kiddos were. Because of the age gap between Pip and Roo I mention that it is a nannyshare. With the magic words nannyshare I literally saw his eye light up and get information NOW register in his eyes. As it always does, he started with the basic questions: How long have you been with the families? Is it do-able with the age gap between them? Are you able to get out much? Then the pause.

The pause where you can see the wheels turning, I really want to ask them, but it is kind of inappropriate to ask, but I want to make sure I am on par, well who cares I'll just ask. And the next minute went something like this:
Dad: "Can I umm..."
Me: starts smirking
Dad: "You get asked this a lot?"
Me: "Yup"
Dad: "Well...do you mind if I ask you how much you make?"

Only if you tell me how much you make first I reply in my head. I'm weak and for whatever reason actually tell him what I make along with what the average going rate for a share is in Seattle. The Dad I'm chatting with, almost with a sigh of relief, replies "that's what he is paying his nanny starting a share next week." Roo starts to move on to a new toy, before I join him I ask the Dad what the age gap between the kiddos in the share will be - he mentions their ages, same as Pip and Roo. Which explains his extra curiosity.  Now as I sit here processing the conversation I am actually mad at myself for answering the Dad with my salary. I want to go back and respond with a "YES I DO MIND"!

I wish that I could say that this Dad's extra curiosity led him to ask about my finances. I'll give him that the age gap in our shares is not super common and I can understand his relief to hear of another family doing it. Literally the same ages of when I started with Pip and Roo. Unfortunately I can't. I've lost count over the years how many times I have been asked how much I make as a nanny. Often from parents wanting to make sure they are paying what is on par for the city. Sometimes from outsides curious how much a nanny can actually make watching kids. And mostly from other nannies wanting to make sure they aren't getting underpaid. I'll admit I am guilty, I have asked fellow nannies what they make out of curiosity or research. But why? Why has it become accepted that I am willing to share my salary with any stranger wanting to know?

Parents: I get it. I truly do. You want to make sure that the information you have gathered is on par with other nannies. You don't want to underpay or overpay your nanny.

Outsiders: You ask because you see a nanny is a glorified babysitter. You are truly awestruck by the fact that there is a whole group of people making a livable salary playing with kids.

Nannies: There is a comradery between nannies almost like a sisterhood. As a new nanny you especially don't want to be taken advantage of, you have heard too many horror stories of severely underpaid nannies.

Bottom line is that in ANY other line of work it is completely socially NOT acceptable to ask what people make. You generally don't go up to a teacher, doctor, or lawyer and ask what they make. So please don't come ask me what I make. There are so many factors that go into paying a nanny (which is why the number can very so much). The biggest being a nannies experience and education. Other things like benefits, part time/full time, and live in/live out all play into the equation.

So instead of awkwardly putting a nanny on the spot and asking her what she makes keep things general to the industry. Ask questions like: What is the going average for nannies these days? Are benefits usually offered by families? What kind of benefits? Most nannies I know love to share about our industry especially when it is helping out a parent trying to field what they should offer their own nanny. We get that our job is an anomaly to some. That there are few resources and crazy amounts of uncertainty in the pay scale of nannies. We get it, we would love to help, but please stop asking us what we make - unless of course you are willing to share your salary with us first. 

ceconner©4.27.2016

Can You Work With a Stay at Home Mom?

We were sitting on the floor playing in his room playing with his bin full of toys. He was an only child, I was a nanny with a firm belief that kids need to learn to share. As he attempted to grab the train from my hand without asking I refused to give it to him until he politely asked for it -sounds reasonable right? Apparently not to him as he jumped up and ran into the office where his mom sat working. 

"Mommy, Nanny wont give me the train"

I rolled my eyes and gritted my teeth as I heard them coming down the hall. "Nanny, what happened?"

Forcing a smile "I asked Billy to politely ask for the train instead of grabbing it out of my hand" 

"Could you please just play with him nicely, I need to get this work done" she turned and walked back to her office, leaving Billy with a triumphant grin. 

It was week two and I knew this was going to be a long few months. 

This wasn't my first and it sure wasn't going to be my last time working with a stay at home mom (SAHM), but it sure was the worst experience.

Some of my earliest jobs in babysitting were with SAHMs and they were fun. Playing with the kids, helping with meal prep, and home work while mom was able to get some much needed house work or laundry done were regular jobs for a 12 year old girl. 

As that 12 year old babysitter turned into a 25 year old nanny some important lessons were learned along the way, especially about working with a SAHM. Here are few things I either ask directly or figure out before committing long term to working in a home with a SAHM (or SAHD).

 

1. What Do They Expect of Me When They Are Home? 

Am I responsible just for the kiddos? Do they want the light house work accomplished to? Am I there just to entertain and play with the child or am I to help partake in teaching the child social skills? This is the first thing I need to know if I am going to work with SAHM, their expectations of me and my role with their child.

2. Do I Agree With the Parents Parenting Style? This one takes either time or a lot of communication to figure out. Does the mom use attachment parents while you don't agree with it? Do they spank when you don't think they should? Do the parents set too strict of guidelines or not enough of them in your opinion? Then it's to figure out how I feel about either having similar or differentiating parenting styles.

3. Do the Parents Respect My Authority as a their Nanny? This is especially important if you have different styles of parenting. If you don't want to give Johnny a sweet treat before lunch and the parent doesn't want to deal with crying and gives him one after you said no, how do you feel about that? Does the parent respect the guidelines I set for little Susie while I am in their home? Or do the undermine them (even unintentionally) when Susie starts fussing?

4. How Open are the Parents to Communication and Input? This is a big one for any job, not just one with a SAHM. But especially when you are working with someone that stays at home, are they willing to talk about how things are going? Is your input allowed and validated? If things aren't working well with two of you home are you able to talk about how to make things better?

5. Am I Okay with The Answers to the Questions Asked Above? After all is said and done each nanny and each family has a different temperament and allowance for differences. So ask yourself how do feel if you disagree with the parents style but they respect yours while you are in the home? Or how would you feel if you disagree with how they are raising their child and they expect you to raise the child in the same manor? Are you okay with their eating habits, the child's activities, and the expectations the family has for you?

These are just a few things to consider. Personally I have way to strong of an opinion to work long term with a family that I can't agree with the parents. That is what happened with the family in the beginning of this story. They wanted a play-mate not a nanny so after a few months I called it quits. I just couldn't work for a family who didn't let me have any authority in the home, especially the few times when I practiced it the child actually listened and behaved better afterwards.

Some of you just don't care, in a good way - you are more laid back and easy going. Sure you don't agree with the parents but it is not your job to care, it is your job to love and play with your charge. There are days I wish I had your attitude and qualities I can learn from you.

When I started with my current NF I knew that MB had summers off while I would still be working with the boys. We both knew that this would change our days quite a bit. Weeks leading up to summer break we chatted frequently about how we saw the summer looking, which responsibilities we both had and our expectations.  For the first few weeks she was mindful of asking how things we were working out on my end and we talked about how she saw things working.

Bear was having a hard time letting me help him out this summer with his mom home, he couldn't understand why mom couldn't give him a drink or tuck him in for nap-time if she was home. MB and I talked about this and had to make a decision if it was a big deal or not. To us it was something we wanted to work on, we wanted Bear to know that at times it was appropriate to ask for Momma's help. He also needed to know there would be times that Mom would need to take care of Bug, be cleaning the house, or just not be available and that I was the one to help him. It took a few times of crying and one really bad tantrum, but the open communication with MB and persistence on both our parts got us through.

Before taking a job with a SAHM get to know yourself first. Figure out your style, what kind of authority you need, what things do you need to in your professional environment to thrive. Admit if you have a strong opinion on how things should be done and what areas you need to let go of. Learn how laid back you can be and what boundaries you need to set to not get burned. The first step of knowing who you can work with is knowing how you best work.  


Stay Tuned For Some Secrets In Working Along Side a Stay At Home Mom. 

ceconner©8.6.2014 

Monday Monday...

...something 'bout that day!

I have never really liked Mondays, they have always meant the end of a weekend and 5 more days until my time was mine again. 

Then I became a nanny. 

Mondays are still not my favorite day but I no longer dread getting out of bed and heading into work. My secret?

 Planning something fun to do. 

The Mondays that drive me nuts are ones like today. They are the days I don't have any plans with the boys, where I lazily stay in my PJ's until noon, and Bug wont take his morning nap. 

My favorite Monday's are the days where I am proactive. 

I make a plan to get out of the house, go to the park, the aquarium, even just a walk. 

Or if Bear is out with his mom I put a Jillian Michael's video in and get my work out on during Bug's nap.

How do you deal with your case of the Mondays?

ceconner©7.14.2014

Frustrating Nap Cycle

Last weekend I had the chance to spend time at my brother’s home. He has a wife and 3 little boys and for the first time I met his youngest. Little L – born in the last 6 months. I live on the opposite side of the country from my family and when I was back at Christmas didn’t get to visit my brother. 

This trip made some great memories with the whole family. Ones that I will cherish for a life time. It also brought back memories on a time not so long ago: Bug’s 3-6 month mark. The months of the “Frustrating Nap Cycle” (FNC). If you have ever raised a baby you will most likely know what I am talking about, the months where it can often take more time to sooth and lay a baby to sleep then the actual length of their nap-time (slight exaggeration but in the moments it doesn’t feel like it). Bug and Little L are GREAT sleepers and overall good babies. But this Frustrating Nap Cycle leaves no baby (nor care-taker) un-turned in its wrath. 

Saturday morning Little L stayed with me as his Momma took the older 2 boys out. I rocked and sang him to sleep and after he hit his sleep spot (that spot when they can be laid down in the crib without waking up) I laid him down. It took about 20 minutes to soothe and rock him to bed ½ of that time he spent crying and fighting it. 

Later for his afternoon nap Little L decided that the FNC needed to be fully in-place. I rocked him, laid him down, he woke up, soothed him some more, laid him down, he was quiet for a while then woke up 20 minutes later screaming again.  I was now fully reminded of the struggles through Bug’s FNC months ago. Struggles that I can honestly say we are past and gladly don’t have to repeat.

There were days with Bug that I would just hold him for his whole nap time because I knew he needed the sleep so badly. That is the hardest part of the FNC – knowing how badly the baby needs their rest while they fight it with every ounce of strength that they have. Some days I wanted to hold Bug so close that he would just fall asleep, others I wanted to leave him in his crib until he passed out of exhaustion from crying so much.

My frustration back then was the lack of nap time consistency; it used to aggravate and drain me. I like schedules and plans. The ability to know when Bug will fall asleep and how long he will sleep for is something I love. Now days we are able to pretty much predict when he will fall asleep and for about how long he will sleep for. Back then NOT so much. I would plan an outing for after his nap time and he would end up sleeping for an extra hour. Then there would be days where he would fight his afternoon nap so much it never happened.

Thankfully I didn’t have to endure this alone. That is one of the many joys of Nanning for family members, we get to walk this journey together. I was able to share this struggle with Mom-Boss and Dad-Boss, they experienced similar things on the weekends so they got it. We could talk and process this together and set up a game plan on how to handle his naps.

Let me encourage you, whether your baby is 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years you will get through it. You will have days where you are not sure you can handle another hour of crying. You will have days that you desperately need to take a nap with baby falling asleep across you on the couch. You will have moments you feel like crying yourself because you feel so bad the baby can’t fall asleep. And you will have the victories of normal nap times. Nap times you celebrate and relish because for now, for this time they are far and few between. In all of it, know you are not alone! You have a support and community right here experiencing the same things with you!

The FNC will end soon my fellow Nanny.

Stay strong and compassionate to the wee little bundle that loves and needs you

ceconner©6.21.2014

               

Keep It Professional

Being on Twitter has recently become a favorite activity. Not because I am bored and needing to fill time, but because of the nanny community that I have begun to develop on there. If you are not a nanny it is hard to understand the struggles and pleasures of everyday life helping raise someone else's kids. Interacting with others who understand and encourage each other in it is refreshing. 

 

This interesting situation of being paid to (help) raise someone else's child is kind of unnatural and surreal for many people. Most full-time nannies spend anywhere from 35-60 hours a week with their chargers. In any situation where you are spending that quantity of time with another human being relationship and attachment is bound to form in one or both parties. Add the innocence and unconditional love that most children have and you have created a situation where attachment and love is guaranteed.

In the "Nanny World" there are several different types of levels of nanny. By level I mean amount of time spent with the children, requirements of the nanny, expectation of care, and open availability. The most demanding level would be someone who has a job much like Annie from Nanny Diaries. She is a live-in Nanny and expected to be on call 24/7 or anytime MB or DB requests - vacations and time off are hard to get.  The least demanding (for lack of better word) would be a part time nanny who works anywhere from 2-5 days a week doing basic child care while MB/DB work or run errands for those few hours. With every situation in between those two extremes I am always curious at what different nannies and agencies consider professional.

After a rather fun and long weekend with Bear and Bug I was exhausted yesterday before the work day even began. As I laid in bed before my day started I was thinking of two precious moments of cuddle time, one with each boy. With this heavy on my heart I posted:

"When you love someone else's child so much it hurts" #SignItIsGoingToBeHardToLeave                                               

Now I am not planning on leaving anytime soon (I committed at least another year) but as Bear and I laid in bed cuddling Sunday morning and my heart literally hurt because I love him so much. That is when I knew I was in trouble! Big trouble!

A sweet Nanny who also watches a family member's child made a comment  "#alwaysstayproffesional which is hard to do". Oh how she speaks truth!! The question that quickly popped in my head why is getting attached to our charges unprofessional  in our industry? What is unprofessional with developing a loving relationship with the kids that I spend all day every day with?

As I began to do some research the answer became very clear to my. Insecurity. One simple, complex, ugly word.  Both in the MB and the Nanny. I think most moms worry that the Nanny will be more loved, more needed, and more cherished than her. The Nanny worries that they will be let go, not be able to leave, or give up who they are for the children they watch. 

Here is the deal though if I want to be the best Nanny I can and do what is best for the boys I need to love them. Despite all the attachment and worries that may happen. When I can love the boys it allows me to do what is best for them. 

When I first started watching Bear and Bug I often would ask myself "If these were my kids how would I respond/what would I do"? Almost a year later I rarely ask that question because on some level they are mine. They are not my children! That is important to remember, I am not the parent but I am their nanny. In the same way one would use the verbiage "my niece, my nephew, my students" nannies often use the verbiage "my boys, my girls, my kids". We fully realize and know they are not ours in the end we are not the ones who have responsibility of how they turn out as adult humans, their parents are.

Some would say that is unprofessional, in the same way they would say it is unprofessional for a doctor or lawyer to become emotionally invested in their clients. However I would argue that becoming emotionally attached actually allows a professional to do what is in the best interest of their client or charge. Especially When It Comes To Kids!

Children need to feel loved and supported by someone! Whether it is Mom, Dad, or Nanny - children innately need to feel that love. They need to know someone has their back, their best interest, and will always be a support.  It is that last one "always be a support" that makes everyone a little worried about letting the little ones capture your heart. Because as a Nanny 9 out of 10 times you wont always be there in the end. My thought is that leaving is a natural part of all life. Even with parents that stay home and raise their kiddos, there will come a point when Mom or Dad wont be around to help out.

So it will be the same with the Nanny. You may be there for a month, a year, or 10 years. No matter how long you are investing in your children give them all you have. When a teacher starts at a new school they don't give half of themselves to their students in fear that they will only be teaching for a year. They give their all, pouring long hours and mass amounts of energy into their students and work. As a Nanny it should be the same.

We need to keep our professional standards high and give our chargers our all. Pour all the love and energy you can into them. They need you. They need your support. You are not their Mom. You are not their Dad. You are their Nanny, their best friend, their support system when MB and DB are away. Don't hold back in fear of the heart ache that will follow when your time with them is done. You don't do it with your best friends, your parents, your siblings so why do it with your NK? At some point every relationship ends, separation is a part of life and apart of our jobs.

 Embrace it.

 Love it.

 Love your Nanny-Kids.

ceconner ©6.2.2014

Getting Out of the House

You want to get out of the house

A day out with the kiddos

But one is hungry. One is tired. And the other poops right as your getting everyone into their car seats.

So how do you get out of the house without going insane?

Take deep breath and know it will take some time. 

It is totally possible to do. It is just going to take some planning.
  Knowing that it will take 15 minutes to get out the door, planning trip that won't squeeze into a nap time, or that driving time wont take longer than play time are all key factors in getting ready. 

There is no magic recipe for success here. Just two things that YOU as the Nanny have to do:
1. Have a Plan
2.  Be Flexible (with that Plan)

The first thing was figuring out their schedules. Answering questions like:

1. What is their morning/afternoon nap times? Are they consistent? How long do the naps last?

2. Will one or both need to be fed right before we leave?

3. What time is the next feeding?

4. Where can we go and how long can we be gone in our time frame?

Once you know those answers you can plan accordingly. Pack the diaper bag before hand, with snacks, diapers, bottle/formula, lunch if you need and water. Have the bag all set and ready before you even try to get the kids ready. 

Now I tend to be a minimalist - I hate diaper bags. So if I know it is going to be a 30 minute trip to the park, most likely there wont be a diaper bag. But if we are spending the day at the zoo we pack everything to last through lunch time. 

Then make a game out of getting out the door - who can get ready fastest.

Have the kid's shoes, hats, coats somewhere they can reach. As they grow into toddler ages they can get themselves ready and have fun doing it.

Then just go. Don't worry about what you forgot or what you might not have packed. Keep a stroller in your car so you don't have to lug it in and out every time you go anywhere. Leave your baby carrying device in the car, whether it's a Moby Wrap, Baby Bjorn, Ergo, or something else.

If you don't have time for a big day trip take a small walk around your neighborhood, you will be glad to just get out. Kids generally won't care if it is 10 minute walk around the block or a 2 hour trip. They are just happy for the change. Realizing this helped relieve so much stress. Thinking through the reality of time we had made everything go better. I stopped trying to plan day trips when we only had an hour. I was happier and the boys still had just as much fun.

Being flexible is also crazy important. The days where it seems impossible to get out of the house is generally my faulty thinking. Those are the days where I want to make a big trip, go do something for a couple hours. Or Bug slept longer than I planned. Or Bear is being "too fussy" for my liking.

In the end we don't go out because I wasn't being flexible and didn't carry out plan B, a simple walk.
ALWAYS go for Plan B. :-D

Go out of the house, enjoy the spring weather, and most important your kids.

CECONNER ©4.11.2014

Monday Madness

  Is Anyone Else Weary on Mondays? Not the actual thought of being with your NK (nanny-kids) but the transition between you arriving and the parents leaving?

Transition times can be hard on everyone. The kids, especially little ones who don't understand why Mommy and Daddy are leaving. The parents, most parents (Mommas usually more than Papas) struggle to some degree with leaving their children in the care of someone else. No matter how good you are as a Nanny, no matter how much you love your NKs and how much your Mom-Boss loves you, she will struggle a bit at the transition time. The Nanny, and then it is hard on you holding a screaming toddler who wants their Mom and Dad, not you - their beloved Nanny.

We have all been there: Mom is walking out the door - one screaming toddler in your arms - the baby on the floor wanting to be fed - and then the 6 year old comes down with a school outfit that doesn't match and her hair in knots. And you have to pick up the pieces while making it a fun start to the day.

Well after some years of experience and seeking out what works with for other Nannies here are 4 tips to help end the Monday Madness:

1. Communicate with your Nanny-Family, everyone wants this to be a smooth transition, no wants to see the water works. Find out what you can do together to make this transition smoother, maybe you come earlier to help get the kids dressed. Maybe they change their morning schedule a bit and have the baby fed by the time you get there. Sometimes this isn't possible, but talking things through can often alleviate some tension and get everyone on the same page.

"Bear loves breakfast with his parents. We all began to notice that the hardest mornings were the ones he didn't get to eat with one of his parents. So we talked and made a change. Yes there are mornings where it just isn't possible for his parents to eat with him, but overall this small change has revamped our mornings"

2. Get a Game Plan! Every child is different, every stage is different. Find out what works best for your nanny-child. Sometimes distraction is a great way to go when the child is too young to know what is happening. Find a toy, a book, or go outside while the parents are leaving. At this age being in a different room from where the parents are leaving is ideal. Older children start to wonder where Mommy and Daddy are going, so work out a routine with the parents to say good-bye, give a kiss or hug before they leave, and tell the child they will be back before (or after) dinner. This may not stop a meltdown but more often than not it will lessen it.

"When I first started watching Bear he was 17 months and the distraction method worked great. By the time he turned 20 months we switched over to Mommy and Daddy explaining where they were going and when they would be back. As your NK changes so will your methods."

3. Find Their Favorite Activity. This tends to go with #2, but includes a bit more tactile activity, especially for 24months and older. While the distraction method can include a book or something less distracting, here you want to find a favorite activity, one that includes the child using their hands and minds.

"For us 'play Play-Doh' is the perfect activity for when Mom is walking out the door. We start playing when she is packing her bags, before she starts to say good-bye. Making shapes, rolling balls, squeezing the Play-Doh, or cutting out numbers in the Play-Doh. The key is for the child's mind to focus on the fun they are having and not the sadness of the parent leaving."

4. When All Else Fails - Go Outside! In truth there is something undeniably relaxing and calming for a child when they get outside, whether for a walk, a ride to the park, or a few minutes of bird watching. Granted this is harder when you have more than one child, but it is doable. If you are having daily tantrums when Mom and Dad leave, ask if there is a possibility of you leaving on a walk first with the kids. Sometimes you being out of the house while the morning transition happens is easier for everyone too.

"When I first started watching Bear we had more rough mornings than not. Not only was he transitioning from having his Momma home all summer to her headed back to work and a new Nanny (me) - someone he had only met once before, but he also had a new baby brother, one that although really well behaved took attention from Bear. Almost daily walks by the water became our sanity. Not only was the fresh air, new sights, and his favorite bird watching good for him but the exercise was great for my mental and physical health."

Note that none of these will work 100% of the time, they are just what have worked for others. Children are human beings, not machines.  Sometimes it is easy to expect A+B to always equal C when trying to implement new plans. When this thought process starts, stop and think if I were this child how would I feel, why would I be crying, and what would make me feel better?

What additional tips have worked for you and your NK during transition periods?

CECONNER © 3.31.2014